Hope and Starlight

I hate visitors at the hospital.

I know people mean well, but there is this awkwardness as people try to figure out a comfortable place to sit and I lay there like a living corpse, turning my head to show that I am happy that they have come to visit.

Then there is the “talk” – which basically comes in two flavors, where they ask me questions that make me wish my doctors were so concerned (the doctors in Bangladesh are…fucking shitty, but that’s a different blog post) or the other type of conversation…the inane small talk as I can hear the clock in their heads count down to when they have done enough visiting.

My mom tells me that they are being kind, which, yeah, I know, but really, I am okay with no one visiting – it might have to do with me being used to being alone most of my life (mentally, I of course have wonderful friends, but I have a solitary, selfish headspace).

I don’t want to deal with the awkward pauses and uhmms and ahhhs as people try and figure out what to say as I pray that I don’t crap myself in front of them. I don’t like seeing my mother trying to pretend that they are guests in our home and be congenial (we are at a hospital, my white blood count is through the floor, I really shouldn’t be exposed to anyone, so yeah, you not being here would be better actually) to them when in fact she just wants to sit and pray and hope that I don’t collapse again.

The worst question is when they ask, “are you getting better?”

That manic, wild look of hope in their eyes, it’s kind of frightening. I have to get better, ’cause if I don’t, then if they ever get sick, they don’t have a hope of surviving it. I don’t want to be your beacon of hope, I just want to get through my day, unannoyed, and somewhat functional.

I sometimes find myself comparing myself (’cause I got a literary mind, I like writing stories, even if it is about myself) to starlight. Alone, in the darkness, shining, just for myself (exoplanets be damned).

I am not your hope, I am your starlight – I don’t guide you, you just have to follow after and figure out the path on your own…

 

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