Yesterday started off alright, I was getting together materials that I need to start a fund-raising campaign, ’cause am seriously broke and this treatment is draining all of the cash my parents have and it is just weighing down on me.
But that’s for a different time.
So yeah, the day was going okay, but then a mundane moment led to my world falling away.
I took a shower.
As I shampooed my hair, it started coming out in clumps – that was a moment that I had to hold back on freaking out on. Sure I was experiencing hairfall, I was going to shave my head anyway, but seeing it come out in fist fulls…it got to me, it all hit me, I have cancer.
And the chemotherapy is kicking my ass.
I shaved my head (I think I did it badly, but really, just wanted to stop seeing it falling out in clumps).
Shaving my head the first time was me taking charge, getting ahead of what was coming. This time, with it striking first, for the first time I felt that I had cancer.
And I am utterly alone.
How much can I tell my friends, “hey holy shit do I feel like crap?” Either they won’t be able to give me the comfort I am looking for or they will stress over thinking about how to comfort me.
I don’t want to be more of a burden than I already am.
So yeah, I have cancer, and right now, my life is the shittiest thing I can think of that isn’t actual shit.